I’m a giver. I choose to help wherever I can. That’s just the kind of person I am. That’s why jumped into action when I heard how dire the situation is for the endangered species of the world. Did you know there are just a few thousand Hairy-Nose Wombats left in the wild? And don’t get me started on the Mediterranean Monk Seal! These poor defenseless animals are just doing their thing, fertilizing the Earth with poo, and stupid humans are killing them for their sexual/magical/safari-décor powers. I refuse to allow this rape of Mother Earth to continue. That’s why I decided to take charge and get involved in conservation. – So, I knocked-up my wife.
What? I can’t make a new Hairy-Nose Wombat, at least I can make a human. C’mon, my heart was in the right place. Maybe I can teach this kid some awesome anti-poacher skills and it will be win-win.
Yep, it’s official, I’m going to be a daddy. It’s my first child and I’m more excited than a pyromaniac at a Kindling Convention. — But, conversely, I’m also more terrified than a pair of stark white undies at an Irritable Bowel Syndrome Convention. (Woo, analogies!)
If Full House, Family Matters and Growing Pains are to be believed, then raising a kid is no walk in the park. Except for that part in the Full House opening credits where they walk in the park. That seemed pretty easy, even Uncle Jesse had a smile on his face.
Hey! Remember that episode when Michelle was a baby and instead of saying “ice cream” she kept saying “house cream”?! That was pretty funny. I hope my kid can’t say “ice”…
But I digress.
People say being a parent is the greatest job you’ll ever have. I’m thrilled about it, but I’m also a little concerned. I have enough trouble remembering to put the butter back in the fridge, how am I going to raise an upstanding human being who respects people in every walk of life, gives back to the community, puts the butter back in the fridge… and also appreciates the satirical brilliance of Weird Al Yankovic?
Also, what’s the etiquette on hilarious interactions with the baby? For instance, is it bad taste to manipulate a day-old infant’s mouth so it looks like they’re rapping Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot? Can you dress a helpless child in an outfit that makes them look like a miniature Colonel Sanders, just because it’s funny? What about blaming farts on a baby, is that so wrong?
I guess I’ve got a lot of thinking to do between now and five and a half months from now when the fruit of my loins bursts from my wife’s nether regions. Probably first on my list of thoughts should be coming up with a better way to describe the impending birth. My guess is, my wife won’t appreciate the word “burst” being used in any form whatsoever.
Cripes, this baby-thing is a lot of work.
They Said What?!