Top 10 Tuesday: Harry Potter Could Have Really Sucked

19 Jul

Have you heard about this new flick called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2? I’m told it’s a big honkin’ deal. You know, the kind of movie that has grown human beings dressing-up like wizards while newscasters standby live, cheesily referring to it like a pandemic:

John Q. Reporterson: “Harry Potter Fever is sweeping the nation and the only cure is a large popcorn!”

There are plenty of folks that love to scoff at the Harry Potter and Star Wars-type freaks that head to the theater in wizardry and intergalactic get-ups to celebrate the release of their own personal pop culture religion. Not me though. I say, if there’s an extra-curricular activity that makes you happy, go for it. (As long as it’s legal and no animals were harmed in the making of said activity).

There is so much sadness in the world, if dressing up in a cape and waving a wand at the big screen brings a smile to your face, and you are willing to endure a Wedgie Threat: Level Three at all times, more power to you.

Despite fan worship, from Star Wars to Twilight to Harry Potter, every billion-dollar movie franchise has had its ups-and-downs. But usually it isn’t until the 25th anniversary DVD collection that we learn the wacky crap that nearly happened, like the original idea of casting Jack Nicholson as Han Solo in Star Wars. (It’s true!)

But today you’re in for a treat. While the final Harry Potter debuted on the big screen less than a week ago, GeneralTomfoolery.com has the dirt on the failed proposed storylines that nearly ruined the franchise.

So, without further ado…

Top 10 Failed Harry Potter Movie Storylines

10. Harry Potter grows into an angsty, smartass teenager.

 

9. In an attempt to increase product placement dollars, the character of Hermione flunks out of Hogwarts and gets a job at Rent-A-Center with two bumbling clerks played by Hulk Hogan and Troy Aikman.

8. 66-year-old Helen Mirren is so revered as an actress in the United Kingdom, they cast her to play both male twins, Fred and George Weasley.

7. Harry goes on a 13 minute racist rant. Sure, he only bad-mouths ‘Muggles,’ but it’s pretty obvious who he’s really talking about. Disgusting.

6. Instead of broomsticks, Quidditch is played in those miniature Shriner parade cars.

5. In a move the director calls ‘abstract art’, the final Harry Potter film turns out to be a shot-for-shot remake of the 1978 movie musical “The Wiz”.

4. Harry Potter goes all Scooby Doo with the ending of the final movie, as Harry pulls off the evil Lord Voldemort’s mask to reveal Old Man Crothers, the owner of the abandoned lumber yard down the street.

3. Butterbeer, the innocent beverage of the Harry Potter world, turns out to be more addictive than meth. Ron Weasley becomes a junkie and kills three hookers and a wood nymph.

2. Severus Snape quits wizardry to fulfill his lifelong dream of opening a salon called “Snape’s Snips”.

 

1. Movie producers decide spell-casting has gotten too wordy, so every spell is dumbed-down and can be cast by simply saying “zap”.

 

Thanks for hanging out with GeneralTomfoolery.com. Please remember, sharing links to this website and telling your friends about us is the best way to say “thanks.” And, if you haven’t “liked” the GeneralTomfoolery.com Facebook page yet, it would be super awesome if you did.

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Cracking Jokes On the Unemployment Line

13 Jul

The next time you’re out shopping at your favorite store, like Hot Topic or Woolworth, please don’t be alarmed if you see my wild-eyed, haggard visage staring off into oblivion as I shake a rusty tin cup full of loose change in your general direction. No, don’t mind me. I’m just an out-of-work humorist who has resorted to making pop culture references on the street for nickels. Nothing to see here.

That’s right, I lost my job as the humor columnist for IN Michiana Magazine. Well, I didn’t lose my job. It vanished. IN Michiana Magazine is no longer being published by the South Bend Tribune.

Take it easy. Try to breathe. I know it’s traumatic, but you’ll get through this. It’s kind of like when you heard The Beatles broke up. Or, if you’re a tad younger, it’s like when the New Kids on the Block tried to reinvent themselves in the early 90s by changing their name to N.K.O.T.B. and singing/rapping songs like Dirty Dawg while dressed as a cross between Color Me Badd and Snoop Dogg. (Extra letters were very popular back then.)

Nice job, New Kids. I hope you’re proud of yourselves for taking a steaming dump on the memories of a precocious little preteen by the name of Matt Deitchley. You might as well have spit on the well-worn 1989 cassette single of Cover Girl that I kept under my pillow.

But I digress.

For more than three years I worked as a humor columnist for IN Michiana Magazine. Three years may not be gold watch-worthy tenure, but I credit the job (and my beloved wife who encouraged me to apply) with nothing less than pure enlightenment.

(Uh oh, here comes the sappy part. Don’t worry I’ll try to keep your interest while I purge my soul by spicing up the following two paragraphs with intermittent hilarious words.)

Before I started writing for IN Michiana, I was just going through the motions. I went to work, came home, and then went to work again. (Fart.) Then my wife convinced me to apply for a freelance humor columnist job she saw in the newspaper. I submitted my writing samples, they weeded out the riff-raff, and I ending up beating nearly 100 writers for the job. (Titmouse.) I couldn’t believe people actually wanted to read something I wrote when they could be off watching Minute to Win It or eating Little Debbie snack cakes or something more constructive like that. (Kumquat.)

Since my very first column in June of 2008 about the joys of growing a beard on vacation (<— You can read it here.), I’ve heard from so many kind readers about the laughs they shared after reading my columns or how they related to my unabashed stupidity. (Slobberknocker.) This part time gig has taught me about doing what you love, no matter how shitty it pays. Thanks to my column I created this website, GeneralTomfoolery.com, and while I don’t make one thin dime, it’s ten times more fulfilling than my day job. (Wiener.)

I realize I’m very fortunate. I still make a living with my full time gig producing local television news for the South Bend, Indiana area and, so far, my wife and I haven’t fallen on such hard times that we’ve had to eat the dog. Yet. But that doesn’t mean this transition is easy.

What will I miss the most about writing for IN Michiana Magazine? Besides the personal satisfaction that comes from peppering my columns with Rick Astley and Growing Pains references for an audience of more than 100,000 readers, I will miss the opportunity to practice the art of relentless self-promotion.

"Hey, get a load of this!"

Every IN Michiana Magazine column by Yours Truly featured the same goofy picture of me looking skyward with a cockeyed smirk that seemed to say, “Hey, get a load of this!” And every time I stopped by places like a doctor’s office or the South Bend Chocolate Café, I’d find numerous copies of IN Michiana lying about. How could I resist the urge to open every issue to my picture and splay them all over the room? I couldn’t. In fact, a few times I did it to magazines which were sitting in the doctor’s examination room. You might have been in there afterwards. Naked.

That’s right, it’s almost like I saw you… nude. Awesome.

Anyhoo, IN Michiana is out of the picture and now it’s just you and me and GeneralTomfoolery.com. I promise to keep toiling here in the comedy dungeon if you keep reading and letting me know what you like and what you hate.

Feel like suggesting a topic for Top 10 Tuesday or commenting on how much I suck? I’d love to hear from you! Drop me a line on the GeneralTomfoolery.com Facebook page, comment on this post, or email me. In fact, the 755th message I receive that isn’t a SPAMy promise to increase my sexual prowess or an attempt to sell me cheap Mexican Percocet will win five bucks and an autographed copy of my debut novel Chicken Soup for the Leper’s Soul. I haven’t written it yet and so far the only plot point I’ve worked out is the part where the Lepers eat soup, but I’m sure it will be epic.

From the bottom of my heart, thanks for all the support. Please continue to read GeneralTomfoolery.com for your daily laughs. (Don’t go to TheOnion.com, they support puppy mills.) Please remember, sharing links to this website and telling your friends about us is the best way to say ‘thanks.’ And, if you haven’t “liked” the GeneralTomfoolery.com Facebook page yet, it would mean a lot.

Also… Fart.

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Getting Down and Dirty – July 2011, IN Michiana Magazine

24 Jun

All it took was a brief attempt at gardening for me to learn I wasn’t born with a green thumb. Truth be told, I wasn’t born with any thumbs. Luckily my dad is very crafty and outfitted me with these babies, made from particle board and wood glue. They need some resculpting after intense Nintendo sessions, but they’re stellar alternatives.

I’ve seen documentaries that reveal how preservative-laden our produce is, but I’ve been eating it anyway, hoping all those chemicals might alter my cells and turn me into a cool super hero or something. But since I still can’t fly and the only “super power” I’ve acquired is the ability to develop a rapid heartbeat in a single bound, I decided to grow my own veggies.

My wife and I went to the store to get everything we needed for our garden box. I was pretty excited until we made our first purchase: dirt.

Let me give you a moment to process the concept of “buying dirt.”

My wife explained to me, this wasn’t “just dirt”, it was “special dirt” that makes things grow. I argued our current “backyard dirt” was doing a bang-up job raising a bumper crop of dandelions, but she wasn’t amused.

The next stop was the seed stand. I was grabbing everything in sight (all while childishly giggling at the “Burpee” brand name) until my wife derailed my Fun Train with some Gardening 101.

“No, we can’t grow those, they need shade.”

“We don’t have the space for watermelons.”

“We’re not growing an apple tree in the middle of the garden!”

I couldn’t understand why all the most fun stuff to eat was the biggest pain in the butt to grow. I thought all you had to do was slap some seeds in the ground, keep the dog from doing his business on the green beans, and BOOM – it’s Salad Shooter time. How hard can it be? Our store-bought potatoes are growing vines out the wazoo, and they’re sitting in a dark kitchen cabinet next to the Cheerios.

To save her the headaches of my incessant whining, I wisely let my wife take over the garden. She’s currently growing tomatoes, squash and other boring vegetables that aren’t 600 pound pumpkins, as I requested. I suppose it’s neat to enjoy a meal you cultivated with your bare hands, but I’m just too lazy. It’s like ordering a really good stir fry at a restaurant… then waiting three months for dinner.

CLICK HERE and then “like” GeneralTomfoolery.com’s Facebook page. If you do, I’ll finally put down the knife and stop advancing toward your turned back.

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Top 10 Tuesday – The Most Offensive Pledge of Allegiance Ever Told

21 Jun

Well, well, well… look who’s got themselves into a heap o’ trouble! Why it’s NBC.

I don’t know if you saw the coverage on Sunday of the U.S. Open Golf Tournament. Personally, I didn’t because I was doing one of the 87 million things in this world that are more fun than watching golf. Included on that list are activities like de-clogging the shower drain or sifting through my dog’s feces to check for worms.

If you’re like me and you missed the broadcast, let me fill you in on the scandal. (“GASP! There was a scandal?!”) That’s right, Mr. Parenthetical, there was a scandalous scandal.

NBC began the U.S. Open coverage with a syrupy, patriotic montage of children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while showing flags and soldiers and other heart-stirring footage. But wait, something was missing. Let’s see if you can spot it. Here is a really crummy copy of the broadcast from our favorite copyright infringer, YouTube.

You don’t have to be National Artifact Expert Nicolas Cage to recognize what’s missing from the iconic American pledge. They said “one nation” but skipped the “under God, indivisible” part. Whoops!

So, was it a mistake? No. NBC has apologized and says it was a “bad decision” made by a “small group of people.”

Now look what you’ve done, NBC, you’ve got a bunch of people in a tizzy about it, burning flocks of peacocks in effigy and such. Personally, the omission doesn’t disrupt my life in the slightest. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s pretty stupid, but not necessarily because they cut out “God,” mostly because they goofed with the words of a very well-known pledge. I don’t know much, but I know wording tends to be one of the more structurally necessary parts of any specific pledge.

Besides, the whole point of including a syrupy Pledge of Allegiance montage is to give the red-blooded American-types a fix of their delicious flaggy-cocaine, which they so desperately need. Why would you cut that flag-cocaine with liberal-left-wing-baking-soda? They’ll never buy from you again!

(Is everyone still with me after that intricate drug-patriotism analogy? I know, it was a rough ride for me too.)

A lot of people are upset about this – and that’s why I think it’s so ripe for parody! So, whether you agree with editing out “under God”, or think it’s an affront to our nation’s founding fathers, or land somewhere directly in the middle (like me), you should always be able to find humor in every part of life.

So, I humbly present this Top 10 Tuesday, along with the words my father so often said to me when I started whining about something: “Hey, it could have been worse…”

Top 10 Ways NBC Could Have Made the Pledge More Offensive

10. Include the “under God” part, but punch a baby at the end of the pledge.

9. Tiger Woods spends the entire pledge impregnating no less than seven audience members.

8. Halfway through the pledge the announcer interrupts with, “Ladies and gentlemen, now performing their hit song from ‘Beverly Hills Cop’, it’s The Pointer Sisters with ‘The Neutron Dance’!”

7. The kids reciting the pledge suddenly stop and yell, “Booooring! Mom, can I go play ‘Modern Warfare’ on Xbox and blast some foreigners instead?”

6. Three words: Bible Eating Contest!

5. A profanity-laced Pledge of Allegiance delivered by a man dressed as both Jesus and Captain America.

4. Directly following the pledge, Phil Mickelson takes his first swing with his brand new club — which is red, white and blue and shaped like a crucifix. And he sets it on fire before every swing. And then he spits on it to put out the flames.

3. Thanks to a time machine, the real George Washington is brought to 2011 to personally read the pledge, only to have the announcer spend the next 25 minutes ranting about his body odor.

2. Preempting the entire broadcast with a 12 hour marathon of Katherine Heigl rom-coms.

1. This text scrolling at the bottom of the screen: “All American flags in this footage were personally sewn by Fidel Castro.”

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Top 10 Tuesday: Where Are They Now? – 1980s Edition

14 Jun

The 1980s were a time of awesomeness. As a child of the decade, I was knee-deep in the trends like slap bracelets, tight-rolled pants and jean jackets. Also, I got beat up a lot to the soundtrack of Top Gun.

I’d rather not talk about it.

On television there was every kind of cartoon you could image, from “The Smurfs” to “The Snorks” to that short-lived combo series “The Smur-Norks in Space”.

In music we were rocking out to “A-ha”, “Atom Ant” and other bands that may or may not have started with “A”.

On the big screen it was all about “Goonies”, “The Karate Kid” and “Back to the Future”. If you were really cool it was all about PG-13 and R-rated movies like “Dirty Dancing” and “Risky Business”. But, I wasn’t very cool.

I’d rather not talk about it.

Pop culture was coursing through our veins in the 80s and, for many of us, those memories are still pretty thick. But what happened to some of those 80s icons? Many have virtually disappeared, and you probably want to know where they went. Well, GeneralTomfoolery.com is here to help.

Top 10 Where Are They Now: 1980s Edition

10. New Kids on the Block:

Many believe they’re currently on tour with The Backstreet Boys. But those are high-tech robots engineered to make everyone believe “the kids” aged well. In reality all five are overweight, balding and have spent the past five years trying to finish their sequel single to “Funky, Funky Christmas”. It’s called “Funkier, Funkier Christmas (Desperation)”.

 

9. Nighthob and the Sleepy Bat from “The Neverending Story”:

In a failed attempt to stop falling asleep, the bat got hooked on cocaine. Now it does “whatever it takes” to get a fix, in the back alleys of L.A.. Meanwhile, Nighthob is an obstetrician in upstate New York.

 

 8. ALF: Roasted and devoured by Natalie from “The Facts of Life” during a 3,700 calorie binge in 1997.

7. “Where’s the Beef” Commercial Lady, Clara Peller: Still alive. Crazy as a shithouse rat.

6. Tina Yothers from “Family Ties”: Got deep into the Rastafarian movement back in ‘89. Was last seen disappearing into a haze of ganja smoke.

 

5. Garbage Pail Kids from ”Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie”: Still haunting my dreams bi-weekly.

 

 4. Monchichi dolls: Still a staple for all pervy old guys to hand-out to strange kids. Dear God, I sure do hate those creepy-ass Monchichis.

 

 

3. Teddy Ruxpin: Keeps putting himself in baskets on random doorsteps, hoping someone will adopt him. But nobody uses crappy cassette tapes anymore.

2. Lisa from “Saved by the Bell” (Lark Voorhies): Spent the last 15 years cutting ribbons at grocery store grand openings while pretending to be the girl who played Rudy from “The Cosby Show” in a desperate attempt to garner a little respect. Even had her name legally changed to “Rudy From The Cosby Show Voohies”.

1. 1980s Robot Characters: After their novelty wore off, most were scrapped and turned into appliances. But some survived.


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Top 10 Tuesday: Gotcha, Sarah Palin!

7 Jun

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read is all in good fun. No matter what “side” you are on, remember without laughter we’re no better than Dick Cheney. C’mon, you’re with me on that, right? That guy is such a wet blanket!

————————————————————————————————————————

Sarah Palin.

Few names in American politics today can bring on such strong feelings. From the millions of ‘mama grizzlies’ who fiercely defend her honor and intentions, to the millions who delight in her gaffes, everyone has an opinion.

Me? I roll my eyes at the cameras that follow her around, devouring her every move and then, like journalistic mother birds, barf the footage back to the hungry chicks waiting on both the left and right sides of the nest. Goofy crap she says? Puke that over here, in the general direction of The Daily Show, Saturday Night Live and MSNBC. Patriotic rhetoric and ‘Palin 2012’ hinting? Just vomit that stuff right over here near Fox News and the “Real American” side of the nest. Both faithful followers and haters alike can’t stop slurpin’ up that Palin Puke.

You may say, “But Matt, aren’t you simply perpetuating the very thing you’re deriding by writing this blog? What do you have to say to that?”

I say… … … Oooo, ‘deriding’. Good word!

Also, shut up.

Look, I will admit Sarah Palin definitely has a target on her back. If she slips up once (and we all do from time to time), it spreads like wildfire. But she brings a lot of that on herself. When you decide to quit your job as governor, where you can actually play a hand in real-life legislative affairs, and instead parade around the country in a giant, drivable Bill of Rights with no discernable intentions other than garnering attention – you’re going to get made fun of.

Okay, sorry. Let me step down from my “Sarah Palin Soapbox” and climb high into my “Makin’ Fun ‘O’ Stuff Step Ladder”.

You’ve probably heard about Sarah Palin’s latest gaffe, where she says Paul Revere’s famous ride was to warn the British, not the Americans. Palin claims she wasn’t wrong and it was another one of those “gotcha-type” questions meant to trip her up.  Oh those tricky “gotcha” questions. Those pesky Liberal-Media-Elite reportin’ S.O.B.s are full of them.

What you don’t know (because I just made them up) is there are many other previously unheard “reporter gotcha questions” that gave birth to previously unheard “Patented-Palin Gotcha Answers.” But don’t worry, GeneralTomfoolery.com has you covered…

Top 10 Sarah Palin ‘Gotcha’ Q & A’s

10.

Gotcha Question: “Hey Sarah, think fast!”

Sarah Palin: “That’s not a question, you liberal-media eli…” – (Sarah is knocked unconscious by a basketball to the head)

Reporter: “GOTCHA!”

9.

Gotcha Question: “Sarah, who is your favorite President?”

Sarah Palin: “Millard Fillmore. He was born in the Finger Lakes. I don’t believe I need to explain myself beyond the awesomeness of the ‘Finger Lakes’.”

8.

Gotcha Question: “With all the hunting you’ve done, have you ever shot a bald eagle?”

Sarah Palin: “Duh, of course. And here’s something those liberal fat cats don’t want you to know… the bald eagle is the most delicious of all birds of prey. I cooked it up in a casserole. It’s like eating diamonds with breadcrumbs baked on top. No wait… shit, I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

7.

Gotcha Question: “Hey Sarah, who is on the Susan B. Anthony coin?”

Sarah Palin: “Ha, that’s a trick question! Susan B. Anthony is the character who shot J.R. on ‘Dallas’ and they made her into a commemorative plate, not a coin! Maybe next time, chump!”

 

6.

Gotcha Question: “Sarah, what’s your favorite nursery rhyme?”

Sarah Palin: “Every night before bedtime I always sing to my kids: ‘Milk. Milk. Lemonade. Round the corner fudge is made.’ *Sniffle* It always makes me cry…”

5.

Gotcha Question: “Since you are an expert on American history, what can you tell us about the Gilded Age?”

Sarah Palin: “Well, The Gilded Age was a term Mark Twain used to describe the period of the late 19th century when there had been a dramatic expansion of American wealth and prosperity. Twain believed this age was corrupted by such elements as land speculators, scandalous politics and unethical business practices.”

Reporter: “Holy. Shit. You’re exactly right.” (Leaps into oncoming traffic)

4.

Gotcha Question: “Okay Ms. Palin, answer me this story problem, and show your work. To get to Jill’s house, you need to first go 3 miles on 2nd Street. You then turn on 4th street for 4 miles. How far is it to Jill’s house?”

Sarah Palin: “Purple.”

3.

Gotcha Question: “Hey Sarah, where’s your long-form birth certificate?”

Sarah Palin: “Oh, you mean 59-year-old Agoolik Keelut? You see, in Alaska, newborns are documented by carving their name and weight into the nearest Inuit.”

2.

Gotcha Question: “Sarah, what’s your favorite constitutional amendment?”

Sarah Palin: “Jordan Knight!”

1.

Gotcha Question: “Sarah, name all your kids. Go!”

Sarah Palin: “Uh, doggone-it! Bristol, Trig, Rumor, Piper Perabo, Moon Unit, Curly Joe, Willow, Alfalfa, Rutherford B. Hayes, Todd Palin, Allspice, Kmart and… um… Gummy Jake!”

 

CLICK HERE and then “like” GeneralTomfoolery.com’s Facebook page. If you don’t I’ll see to it that Sarah Palin embarks on her next tour in a bus that looks like a giant set of George Washington’s wooden teeth. Trust me, you don’t want that.

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