We need Bob Barker back. That crazy old coot knew how to end a television show with style. Take it from him on The Price is Right, all it takes is people jumping up and down, screaming about their new Salad Shooter and a sly signoff about animal reproductive organs. Bingo. You had me at pet neutering, Bob. You had me at pet neutering.
With his tagline, Bob did great things for the pet population. So let’s get him on a much more important overpopulation problem: Stopping all the junk food brands from making obscure-flavored babies. Snacking options are out of control. Even God thinks it’s excessive to have both Screamin’ Dill Pickle Pringles and Screamin’ Dill Pickle Cheddar-Infused Pringles… and he invented the screamin’ dill pickle. And for crying out loud, we’re drowning in Mountain Dew flavors!
Call me old-fashioned, but when I was a kid things were simple. We had cola and un-cola, and those that tried to buck the trend were dealt with accordingly. (I’m looking at you, Crystal Pepsi.) Potato chips were regular, sour cream and onion and bar-b-que. (Some were ruffled, but if you grabbed those you were considered a little sketchy.) That was the extent of your choices. Then one day in the late 1980s the world turned upside down. The proverbial ball of snacks (with a nougat center) began rolling downhill, picking up speed for decades to come. All because Doritos introduced Cool Ranch flavor.
Don’t get me wrong, I can eat a mess of Cool Ranch Doritos. It’s like legal crack. But the debut became a turning point. Soon all the snacking giants began diversifying their flavors. Before long, something as simplistically awesome as Pringles Cheez-Ums went from an artery-clogging cornerstone to just another face in a crowded grocery aisle. Now shopping has become a trembling nightmare of decisions. Will it be the baked garlic-sea salt pretzel wafers or the sweet and tangy Asian-BBQ-style buttered potato crisps? The tension is mounting. Will I decide before the grocery shelves buckle and bury me in an avalanche of salty goodness? For God’s sake, where are the Cheez-Ums?! I think that lady clutching the Pecan Sandies is sobbing.
And it doesn’t stop there. Remember when McDonald’s didn’t get any more exotic than the bimonthly return of the McRib? Remember when the most difficult decision at Subway was white or wheat. Nowadays Mickey D’s is knee-deep in fancy-pants, iced-coffee drinks that are about as healthy as drinking a pitcher of hot fudge. And try picking a sandwich at Subway without holding up the line. Forget ham on wheat, that’s nothing but a yeasty trifle without tomatillo-mango-ketchup salsa or artisan breads with names better suited to the lyrics of an Enrique Iglesias ballad. “My Focaccia amor, por supuesto! Bailamos herb-encrusted Ciabatta!”
Maybe I’m just mad because the onslaught of variations in the snack food aisle was likely behind the demise of my all time favorite food: Planter’s Cheez Balls. Oh what times we used to have when I was a kid. I’d take a can of them to my room and eat in crunchy, cheesy wonderment until the roof of my mouth hurt. We’d listen to music and laugh at our inside jokes. It was a special bond. Then one day they were gone. Planters discontinued my soul mates. They decided nuts were their bread and butter, I guess. And with that, they stole my youth from me. Mr. Peanut himself might as well have smashed my Nintendo with his cane.
I guess I just like my comfort foods to be comforting. On Sunday afternoon in front of the television, just give me something crunchy to dip in something creamy and be done with it. I don’t need an explosion of flavors distracting me from the game.
“Throw the ball! He’s in the end zone, you son of a… saaaay is that rosemary I taste?”
Besides, I’d rather discover new flavors myself. You see, I’m somewhat of a savant when it comes to snacking. Have you ever dipped French fries in a chocolate milkshake?
You’re welcome.
Published in: IN Michiana Magazine, September 2010
Rest in peace, my beloveds
Oh man, Cheez Balls were such great slumber party food, along with Red Pop of course.
THIS WRITER IS A CHEEZ BALL! AMIRITE!
I’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT FOLKS! Be sure to tip you waitresses and if you drink, don’t drive.
I saw that some off the wall company has ‘balls of cheese flavored whats-its’ that come in a bag. But if it doesn’t come in the thinist can imaginable, I’m not interested. If you HAVE to snack out of a can, I think you are limited to shoe-string potatos.
Great, now I want a pitcher of hot fudge…..thanks alot.
Fancy lad.