What Would Jesus Do (If He Were Driving)?

I probably should have honked for Jesus.

I don’t have a problem with him. The Son of God is a real stand-up guy. I just don’t normally honk unless a road emergency warrants it. That’s what my Driver’s Ed. instructor taught me during my six hours of supervised driving. He said, “Matt, don’t you sound that horn unless a road emergency warrants it.” Of course he also said, “Woo, turn this up! Skynard rules!” But he never said what to do about Jesus. Namely, whether I should honk for him or not when a man waving a sign encourages that sort of thing.

Well, it happened and I didn’t honk. I wouldn’t feel so bad except I made eye contact with the guy. But how could I not? It was a busy road with nothing but cars to the left of me, and to my right it was: random building, random building, random building, guy with Jesus sign, random building.

He kind of stood out. My eyes were immediately drawn to his yellow, three foot wide poster board. On it, scrawled hastily with black Sharpie, were the words: “HONK FOR JESUS!”

As I stared at the sign, (Disregarding another important rule my instructor taught me: Don’t stare at the side of the road whilst driving 45mph.) my first thought wasn’t whether or not I should lay on the horn for “The Almighty.” It was, ‘What’s up with the shoddy handwriting?’ We’re talking a really crummy-looking sign here. As someone with horrible handwriting, I would normally have some sympathy. But this wasn’t a ‘I have bad handwriting, but love Jesus’ kind of thing. This sign was slapped together, which makes me think it went more like this:

“Hurry up, dude! We’re late for that ‘side of the road, Jesus honking thing!’”

“Okay man, okay. But I have to make the sign first!”

“Jesus Christ, you’ve had all day! Let’s go!

Poor handwriting or not, I suppose I should have honked. It’s just that don’t like being forced to bellow my opinion to the entire world. Sure Jesus is a cool dude, but there’s got to be a way to stay in old J.C.’s good graces and adhere to safe driving practices. If the man had a sign that said, “HONK FOR BANANA CREAM PIE!” I probably would have kept on driving too. And I really like banana cream pie.

I do appreciate his dedication though. It takes some real cojones to stand out there in 90 degree heat trying to get strangers to freak out their fellow drivers with a little roadside revival. Heck, I feel bad for those guys on the corner in the Little Caesar’s Pizza costumes waving the “$5 Hot ‘n’ Ready” signs. At least they’re getting minimum wage. All this guy gets is a little solidarity. Well, I guess he’s hoping for eternal life too. But still, it was hotter than hell out there.